15 Tell Tale Signs that you are a Toxic Friend, or are in a Toxic Friendship
Do you have a hard time making and keeping friends? If so you may want to examine what you believe about friendships, or what you believe about yourself in friendships and in the world at large. Do you believe that friends should be there no matter what, all the time? Part of your answer will be found in what you attract, and part will be found in how you are being. Ask yourself these questions: Do you seek sympathy or nurturing more than you give it?
Are you talking about you more than asking questions about others, and truly listening to their answers?
While someone is talking, are you thinking about a “like” experience that you want to share (vs trying to empathize; imagining how the other person is feeling)? Do you cut people off mid-sentence to be heard? Do you feel like you are not heard, listened to or supported? Do you blame others consistently for all that happens in the relationship? Do you speak poorly of others; gossiping. Do you complain or do you bring a joyful fun experience to the relationship?
Are you needy, of time and energy, complaining or feeling like the person doesn’t spend enough time with you, or do enough for you? Are you constantly “over giving” and then getting upset that there is not equal reciprocity? Are you always the one that is contacting the other person, or do they contact you equally?
Do you want to be with them more than you want to be with yourself – the majority of the time? Are you looking to them for entertainment, fun and/or to make you feel o.k.? When friends cannot spend time with you, do you begin to feel unworthy, upset when they cannot get together with you? Do you lie to your friends to avoid getting together with them for some of these reasons above?
If you answered yes to the majority of these questions, you may need to turn the finger around and point it at yourself. Examine these two things.
1) If you are allowing others to mistreat you, then it’s on you, not on them, right? You have the ability to choose to allow it, or choose to set a healthy boundary, even if it means leaving the friendship behind.
2) If you are draining to people, you’ll figure it out when they stop returning your calls, and/or don’t reciprocate in inviting you to do things. This happens when someone is too needy of time and energy.
In regard to believing that friends should be there no matter what, this belief is unhealthy; a sign that the relationship is unhealthy. A good friend would never “require” that of a friend if they truly cared about them. Would you really want to drain someone, making them pay the price for an unhealthy belief that you are holding within? Would you want them to do that to you? The best friendships are honest and truthful, and both parties can speak about how they are truly feeling. If it gets to be too much, a real friend, one who is emotionally healthy, will let you know. They can tell you that it is more than they can handle right now, but still let you know that they care. They may help you find someone to help you in certain situations, but you should not make that a requirement of calling them good friend. In other words, you need to support yourself in a healthy way first (finding your own help, unless you are so devastated that you need help finding someone. That can happen with certain situations of loss). That way, when you need a little support, it is in the healthy range, not the draining range. The person will sense this, as do you when you meet someone.
Why do we become toxic? When we are running energy of belief that we do not deserve love, or we are not good enough, we are standing in a position of lack. We attract someone who mirrors that energy belief that we are not good enough when we attract someone who is not able to “be there” in that way. Sometimes we attract what may feel like an emotionally unavailable person. Several things can be learned from this. First, we need to learn to love ourselves better so we do not need others to judge us as worthy of spending time with. We need to be and know that we are worthwhile as a friend – not needy or judgmental or abusive or manipulative or any other way of being that is unhealthy; a way to try to get love or affection or attention from an outside source. We need to solidify our foundation so that we are meeting our own needs for happiness. We need to become the friend that we want to attract. [This can be an effective way to examine what you’ve attracted in a work situation or a love relationship as well.] We can learn to be our own best friend first, valuing our time and energy, learning to bring joy to ourselves by feeding our soul, and then we can attract a balanced friendship, and create an equal give and take situation that is not draining. We can learn to be a better friend, one who can then set boundaries with others giving them the growth experience that you intended spiritually when you embarked on this journey. We can use relationships as a tool for our spiritual evolution and growth, or we can stay stuck in fear. When we choose to be fearless, we stop enabling ourselves and others to stay stuck. We see “speaking our truth” to ourselves and to others as a way to grow; a way to help our mastery of self-love, and a way to allow others the choice to do the same.
Actions: If you suspect you are toxic, or you’re in a toxic situation, then step back. Examine what’s really going on. What did you learn about friendships? Did you learn that people were trustworthy? When and where did this belief begin. Did you learn that friends can hurt you? Write down all of these beliefs, then cross each one off and write down next to it what you want to believe instead.
Affirmations: I am worthy. I am choosing to learn and grow. I deserve to love myself. I value me. I value my time and energy. I am becoming a better friend. Call on Archangel Chamuel, “One who seeks God.” Known as the angel of peaceful relationships, Chamuel helps people find inner peace within and relate well to other people.
Love and Peace,
Vicki Murphy, BFA, RMPT, IEP Intuitive Counselor
Certified Psychic Medium5 Steps to Increase Positive Energy Flow
Reiki Master Healer
Reverend, Marriage &
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